A Gentle Reminder for Caregivers: Connection Matters More Than Perfection

Vicki Johnson Author

Even in the chaos of modern life, small, genuine moments of attention can nurture your child’s capacity for empathy. Learn how to protect moments.

It’s easy to feel discouraged when life feels chaotic. Between the laundry that never seems to end, the texts you still haven’t answered, and the grocery list that keeps rewriting itself… slowing down can feel impossible.

But here’s the truth: children absorb more from moments of genuine attention than from hours of structured teaching.

You don’t need perfect conditions or an Instagram-worthy setup to build connection. Even in the mess and busyness, presence matters more than productivity.

Why the Little Moments Matter Most

Dr. Bruce Perry, co-author of Born for Love, explains that empathy is wired into the human brain, but it needs repeated, responsive interactions to develop fully. These interactions don’t have to be big or elaborate.

By simply noticing and responding to your child’s “bids” for connection, those small smiles, gestures, or even the endless “watch this!” — you’re doing more than just humoring them. You are sending an unmistakable message:

“I see you. You matter. You’re safe with me.”

That message doesn’t just feel good in the moment....it shapes how their brains respond to other people for years to come.

The Modern Hurdles to Connection

It’s not that parents don’t care. It’s that modern life makes connection trickier than ever:

• Screens and devices compete for our attention (and our kids’).

• Busy schedules crowd out unhurried moments.

• Fragmented communities mean fewer grandparents, neighbors, and friends to share the load.

Perry notes that when children have fewer opportunities to practice empathy in natural, relational ways, those brain circuits can go underused. It’s not irreversible, but it means we have to be intentional.

Practical Ways to Build Connection in the Everyday Chaos

1. Catch the Little Invitations
   Your child’s bids for connection are the building blocks of empathy. That silly face they make at breakfast? The random hug in the middle of folding laundry? Treat those like gold.

2. Protect Tech-Free Times
   Make mealtimes, car rides, and bedtime sacred from screens. Even 10 minutes of undistracted presence makes a difference.

3. Use Routines to Anchor Your Day
   It could be a bedtime story, a morning hug, or a goofy dance before dinner. These small routines are like bookmarks in your child’s emotional story.

4. Decribe and Name Feelings
   When you model empathy by naming your own emotions and noticing others’ (“It looks like you’re feeling frustrated”), you’re giving your child the language and example they need to do the same.

The Bigger Picture

Connection isn’t just “nice to have.” It’s the soil where empathy grows, and empathy is what allows children to build healthy relationships, handle conflict, and care about the needs of others.

In the words of Perry and Szalavitz:

“Without nurturing relationships, the human brain simply cannot develop empathy.” — Born for Love (2010)

So take a breath. Look your child in the eyes. Laugh together, even for thirty seconds. You’re not just passing time....you’re building the emotional foundation they’ll stand on for life.

— Soul Essentials Health & Wellness

Attribution:
Adapted from insights in Perry, B. D., & Szalavitz, M. (2010). Born for Love: Why Empathy Is Essential—and Endangered. New York: HarperCollins.

Missed Day 1? Roots of Empathy
Missed Day 2? Serve and Return: The Brain’s Favorite Game
Missed Day 3?  The Modern Challenge to Raising Empathy

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Categories: : Attachment, Bonding, Empathy, Resilience, Stress