Roots of Empathy: Why Connection Comes First

Vicki Johnson Author

Even the quietest, most exhausted moments with your child....rocking, humming, or simply listening....are shaping their capacity for empathy.

The Quiet Moments That Grow Empathy

At 2 a.m., you’re probably wondering how anyone survives this stage of parenting.
The baby is awake, the toddler is calling for “just one more story,” and you’re not sure if you’ve slept for three hours or three minutes. It feels like all you’re doing is surviving.

But here’s the truth: those quiet, tired moments - the rocking, the gentle humming, the soft hand on their back, are doing more than keeping your child calm. They are quietly shaping their capacity for empathy.

Empathy isn’t something children simply pick up on their own. It isn’t a personality trait they are born with fully formed. As Dr. Bruce Perry explains in Born for Love: Why Empathy Is Essential—and Endangered, empathy is a biological potential that needs steady care to grow, and the soil it grows in is connection.

Why Connection Matters

From birth, your child’s brain is wired to learn from relationships. Each time you respond with warmth, attention, or gentle touch, you’re helping their brain form circuits that allow them to understand and respond to others’ feelings.

Dr. Perry calls these “serve and return” moments....the back-and-forth exchanges between caregiver and child. A baby coos, you coo back. A toddler shows you a drawing, and you light up. A preschooler cries, and you comfort before correcting. Each interaction tells their brain: “You are seen. You are safe. You matter.”

These interactions may seem small — sometimes barely noticeable — but research shows they are fundamental building blocks of empathy.

Everyday Moments Count

You don’t need a Pinterest-perfect parenting plan. Empathy grows in everyday routines, in moments that might feel mundane or exhausting:

• Swaddling and rocking your newborn.

• Singing a silly song in the kitchen while washing dishes.

• Kneeling down to hear the toddler’s story about their favorite stuffed animal.

These are the moments your child’s brain stores as “I am safe. I am connected. I can trust others.” Over time, these small, consistent experiences lay the foundation for emotional intelligence, social understanding, and the ability to empathize with others.

It’s Not About Perfection 

You don't have to be perfect to raise empathetic children.  The goal is presence over perfection.  Even on the days when you're exhausted, distracted, or running late, showing up - need repeated, responsive interactions.  It's the consistency of connection, more than the grandeur of any single moment, that nurtures empathy

If you’re wondering whether your small, sleepy gestures really matter, know this: they do. Every gentle touch, every kind word, every second of patient listening is wiring your child’s brain to feel with others.

Empathy is not built in a day, a week, or even a year. It grows slowly, quietly, in the spaces between the chaos — in the moments when you are simply present.

Even when you feel like you’re just surviving, you are helping your child thrive in one of the most important ways imaginable.

Attribution:
This post draws upon insights from Born for Love: Why Empathy Is Essential—and Endangered by Dr. Bruce D. Perry and Maia Szalavitz (HarperCollins, 2010). Their research and stories highlight how empathy develops, why it matters, and what threatens it in modern life.

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Categories: : Attachment, Bonding, Empathy, Resilience, Stress