Who Am I, Really?

Vicki Johnson Author

Heal the Child and the Woman Appears

Gratitude for the Journey

For the longest time, I thought I had to choose...either lean into science or lean into faith. But the deeper I went, the more I discovered that biology and spirituality are not rivals; they actually sit at the same table. Science helps me understand how trauma wires into the nervous system, shaping my responses and survival strategies. Spirituality reminds me why I can hope, heal, and keep moving forward. Together, they tell the full story: my biology explains the patterns, and my faith points me to the purpose.

First, I want to thank Dr. Aimie Apigian and Trauma Healing Accelerated for inspiring me to become certified in the Biology of Trauma. Through her work, I was introduced to the science that aligned with my spirituality and revealed how trauma, when unrecognized, can create a counterfeit version of who we are.

I’ve learned we never take the journey alone, no matter how “unstoppable” we think we are. My Bible sisters, God, fellow coaches, family and friends have stood beside me at my lowest. Their prayers, calls, and wisdom carried me when burnout had stolen a season of my life.

When Trauma Steals Our Identity

When early adversity and trauma hit, something happens deep inside of us. We become a counterfeit version of who we were meant to be. Science shows that when we experience inescapable heart shocks, our nervous system can wire in a pattern of learned helplessness.

Early adversity leaves marks we don’t always see. We move through life unconsciously, making decisions from a place of fear, without even knowing it. These are normal responses to abnormal circumstances when we don't feel safe. Trauma, early adversity, and family dysfunction do not make us broken, damaged, or defective. They simply shape the strategies we develop to survive.

We learn to be who people want us to be.
We let others dim our light.
We carry their burdens, help them shine… while we slowly become a shell of ourselves.

Science tells us that early adversity changes brain development. Repeated exposures to stress hormones like cortisol impairs our prefrontal cortex and hippocampus--the centers for reasoning, memory and emotional regulation.  But when trauma occurs during specific developmental windows, these effects become even more pronounced.  Developmental gaps begin to form:  impulse control, social skills, executive functioning and even physical growth. (National Child Traumatic Stress Network)

“We carry patterns that are not who we truly are; they are adaptations we once needed to navigate life.”

My Faith Awakening

For years, I questioned God. I wondered why I always felt left behind, defective, unworthy. Then something shifted.  I decided to stop putting my trust and sense of worthiness into human hands.  I wanted to know the man behind the Word.  My Bible sisters welcomed me into their study years ago. They let me sit in silence when I felt unworthy, convinced God could never forgive me. They showed me God without fluff, without condemnation. I love them for that! It was the beginning of my deeper dive into faith...a journey that would solidify the way I viewed others, the world and my self. (National Child Traumatic Stress Network) I am still a work in progress!

Rediscovering My "True" Self

I started to notice the patterns--the ways I shrank, silenced myself, or pretended to be what others needed me to be.  After decades of living out these patterns, the path led to severe burnout and  I finally had to ask:

Who Am I Really?

• I am a goofball and love to laugh
• I am capable of being in a loving relationship...even though connection can feel terrifying.
• I am intelligent.  I am pretty.  I am enough.
• I love adventure, and crave deep conversation.  That doesn't make me defective or "too much," it makes me someone who builds trust.  
• I can respect boundaries, my own and others.
• I may still drop a curse word here and there (working on it!), and sometimes I can be a little too direct.
• I've lived in relationships built on potential instead of reality.
• I finally did the work! I'm still doing it!

Family Rules

Family doesn’t always agree with your choices, but love should go deeper, unconditional and unwavering. Every family has broken parts. Seeing things for what they are, rather than what we “created” in our minds to feel safe, opens the door to true healing and returning to our true self…before the “story.”

As children, parents (teachers, churches, community, etc.) set rules for us: when to eat, when to sleep, when to pray, when to play. I followed them, but today I ask: Does this rule enhance my life, or does it constrict me? If it fuels creativity, I’ll keep it. If it stifles me, I’ll let it go.

My Inner Child’s Voice

My inner child longs to be appreciated for being, not just doing.

I spent years in constant motion. Over-working, over-exercising, overproducing, and overthinking...they were my safety blanket, maybe to keep me from failing, maybe to keep me from remembering or feeling.

In chaos, I learned to go numb. That coping skill once saved me, but now it strangles my spirit. To be fully present, I had to risk feeling again. I had to let my little girl tell her whole story, even the angry parts.

For the first time, I can give myself permission to rest, not just when I’m sick, not just when exhaustion knocks me flat. I no longer need to collapse to deserve care. I can choose daily mistakes as an opportunity to expand. The soul is free to thrive.

I can discern. With safe, trustworthy people, I share openly. With strangers, I choose what feels safe. Both are allowed.

Every challenge was to prepare me, every mistake an opportunity to grow.

Words That Wounded

The words that cut deepest often come from those who should have loved us unconditionally:

• “Who do YOU think you are?”

• “If YOU screw this up, you’re stupid.”

• “Your relationships fail because YOU just love the idea of love.”

• “You’re mental.”

• “You’re too deep; surface level is what people want.”

• “You’re going to die an old maid.”

• “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

• “You’re too emotional.”

• “YOU are the problem.”

• “I love you,” spoken as words but rarely backed by actions.

Those words closed my heart for decades.

These weren’t excuses for my struggles—just realities I had to process and reframe with faith.

Healing, Faith, and Forgiveness

Resilience is possible....when the right healing sequence comes at the right time.

For me, it meant:

• Removing toxic voices/people
• Tuning out the noise
• Learning to rest
• Learning my worth doesn't lie in "what I do," but in "who I am."
• Addressing old trauma
• Leaning into faith- yes, in Jesus- asking daily for grace and mercy
• Learning to forgive, even when it feels impossible

“Past wounds were part of the story but not part of the destiny. What looked like punishment was preparation; rejection was actually protection.”

Forgiveness isn’t forgetting or excusing. It’s removing the knives from your heart, allowing grief and anger to be felt fully, and releasing them to God. Forgiveness lets the soul breathe. “All forgiveness is ultimately self-forgiveness.”(A Course in Miracles)

I acknowledge that I’ve hurt others, too. I pray today I am a better version of myself.

Freedom is more important than being right.

Stepping Into the Light

Today, I no longer need to fit into someone else’s version of “enough.”
I no longer need to control every part of my environment just to feel safe.
And I am no longer threatened by someone else’s light, I can stand in it with them.

Bullies may have convinced me I was worthless…
But God’s Word showed me the truth.

The truth is.....
I am no longer a counterfeit version. I am becoming who I was always meant to be and will continue to evolve until I’m called home. The past is honored, not relived. The wounds are recognized, not minimized. The pain was real, but it no longer defines me.

I am the author of my future, not a victim of my past. I am learning to forgive deeply, to release resentment, to trust in preparation disguised as delay, and to embrace the divine rhythm of God’s plan.

"The shift starts within. The story is being rewritten. Every struggle was to prepare me. Every mistake was an opportunity to expand. 

To My Sons

You are the reason I kept going, even when I fell flat. You are the reason I fight to break generational cycles. You are the reason I keep becoming a better version of myself. I can’t rewrite the past, but I believe the future is filled with hope. Words will never express how deeply I love you. Thank you for standing beside me, for seeing the broken parts I wanted to hide, and for loving me through them anyway. At the end of the day, my greatest prayer is that you’re proud to call me Mom....no matter how old you are.

Change Is Hard… But Worth Every Minute

If any of this resonates with you, know this.....Change isn’t easy. Healing takes time, courage, and a whole lot of grace. But every brave step forward is worth it. Every wall you tear down, every toxic voice you silence, every time you choose faith over fear—you move closer to the person you were always created to be.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone.

Three Simple Next Steps

Here’s how you can start leaning in:

1. Read More → Dive deeper into these conversations on the blog. Each post is a reminder that you’re not broken—you’re healing.  My Blog

2. Join the Conversation → Watch my free webinar When You've Lost Your Spark: Why You're So Tired, Foggy, and Anxious?  It’s available for a limited time, and it might just be the piece of hope you’ve been needing. 

3. Go Deeper → When you’re ready for the next level of support, check out my mini course. It’s designed to help you break old cycles, restore harmony, and build resilience...step by step. When You've Lost Your Spark:  Why You're So Tired, Foggy, and Anxious?

*I want to take a moment to honor Wayne Dyer for his incredible contribution to the world. His wisdom, teaching, and guidance have inspired countless people—including me—to look within, embrace our true selves, and trust in the unseen hand of the universe.

Categories: : ACEs, Burnout, Resilience, Stress, Trauma